Q: How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?
Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?
Q: Conservative Rabbis?
A: Call a committee meeting. Some members of the Committee on Laws and Standards say it takes a minyan, some say the minyan can be made up of men and women, some say only men, and some say only men OR women. Some say the light bulb can be changed on Shabbat only if it is in a car driving to a synagogue . . . There was no majority, so the issue remains subject to the decision of the marad’atra.
Q: Reconstructionist Rabbis?
A: Four. One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does, one to they were doing what the Reform rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Conservative rabbi was doing, and one to eventually change the light bulb.
Now, all jokes aside, what’s going on here? How do you know which movement to belong to? Are all of them Jewish? Is Reform an easy way out? Is Hassidim the only way to be Jewish? First, let me tell you, JDCC in no way endorses any particular movement over another. What you read here is my personal opinion.
Personally, I belong to a Conservative synagogue, even though I’m a Democrat. There, I think every man’s required to wear a kippah and sometimes a tallit. In Reform synagogues, I think that wearing a kippah is optional. But in both synagogues, you can have a woman Rabbi. That’s a big no-no for Orthodox and Hassidic synagogues. You HAVE to wear the kippah, the tallit, plus the tzitzit. Women and men are not allowed to pray or study together.
So why are there so many diverse types of Judaism? When you look at it, it bears a slight resemblance to the multitudes of Christian denominations: Protestant, Methodist, Baptist (including First and Southern!), Mormon, Roman Catholic, Lutheran. But we Jews don’t think of ourselves like that. Just being plain Jewish is enough for us.
Unless you live in Israel. There, many of the practicing Jews there (remember, a lot of Jews in Israel are secular) are ultra-Orthodox Jews. And guess what? They don’t think that Reform or Conservative Jews are even Jewish. In America, it’s the Orthodox that are a very small minority. In the Israeli government (the Knesset), they have influence far beyond their numbers and their views are often dictated into national law. When I first heard that, I was really hurt. How could these people halfway across the world say that I’m not a Jew just because I don’t go to Shabbat every day? Just because I drive on Friday night.
But let’s be realistic here. Let’s not go all out bashing up Orthodox synagogues or kill ourselves for being Reconstructionist. But what to do? I guess the only thing we can do is check out every kind of Judaism and get in whichever movement we like the best. Both my parents grew up in a Reform environment, and now they’re the founding members of a Conservative synagogue. Attitudes can change. Hopefully, one day, Israeli ultra-Orthodox will accept Reform and Conservative Jewish Americans. But until then, we’ll just have to satisfy ourselves.
Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50. One to change the bulb, 13 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb, and 36 to live elsewhere, act mentschlich, and not mention the bulb to anyone.
If we can make jokes about ourselves, there may be hope for us yet!
